The Lutheran Geek

The life and times of a WoW-playing, Java-programming dude in Chicago

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Patch 2.0 coming next week!

OK, on to geeky stuff again, finally. 😀 The big Patch 2.0 is dropping in WoW next week. This means free respecs for everyone, including my prot warrior. Here’s what I’ve come up with for a spec. I’m gonna miss the +5% crit that comes from Cruelty, but I’ll deal. Focused Rage should make my hate generation a bit better across the board by reducing the rage required for all my abilities; in particular, Revenge should drop to 2 rage! I skipped over Imp Sunder since I’ll only be using it enough to get 5 sunders on a target, then switching over to spam Devastate. Imp Defensive Stance and Shield Mastery will reduce my damage taken significantly – the former will be even more useful in later end-game encounters where a lot of the damage is magical in nature, not physical. And after wiping repeatedly on Huhuran the last few weeks with Djörk, I think the 2 points in Imp Shield Wall will definitely help us out a lot when every second of survivability matters. It’s just too bad Improved Disciplines is so deep in the Arms tree – that would be a very, very nice thing to have for everyone, including us Prot warriors.

Oh, and one thing I just noticed! Last Stand is an 8-minute cooldown now, not 10. That’ll make it a lot handier to use. Fun stuff! I’m looking forward to next Tuesday – well, at least for the talents, not the likely server instability… 🙁

posted by Peter at 10:52 am  

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Thank you…

…to those people who’ve been sending me supportive notes lately. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know that, wow, I actually do matter to some people! I mean, it’s not like I’ve every been totally abandoned. I have an amazing family with a mom and dad that have done nothing but love me and care for me all these years… yet I get stuck in these moments of depression. It just goes to show you that depression isn’t about whether or not you’re smart or thinking straight or whatever – it’s dictated by plain old biochemistry.

I’ll be seeing my therapist again on Saturday, and we’ll work out the next steps on fighting this stuff. While I have been feeling much more cheerful (and much less sick!) these last few days, I just want to be careful and not assume that everything will be fine forever.

So again, thank you all.

posted by Peter at 10:34 am  

Sunday, November 26, 2006

It’s all but official

Well, let’s see:

  • Lack of energy and motivation
  • Reduced appetite
  • Changing sleeping patterns
  • Almost complete lack of sense of humor
  • and, of course, lots of sadness

I’m no psychiatrist, but it certainly sounds like I have clinical depression. The sickness has caused me to be in isolation for a long, long time, and it’s finally starting to affect me in profound ways. I’ve been having flashes of good moments, but I can’t seem to perpetuate them. The worst part is trying to explain myself to everyone I know. My friends and family mean well, but they try to reason with me, and it’s clear that I can’t be reasoned with.

I’ve also thought about suicide more often in the past week or so than I usually do. Mind you, plans never seem to come to mind, although I did even start making plans last night. I never get any farther than thinking about it, though – it’s as if a mental block sets in preventing me from going any further, protecting myself. Believe me, I’m quite grateful for it.

Anyway, I’m going to call my therapist today and leave a message with her. If there’s anyone out there reading it, I have one favor to ask of you. Please just write me a little note or something – comment here on this blog, email, something – letting me know that you’re out there thinking of me. The largest distortion in my mind right now is that noone cares if I live or die; my life matters to noone. I know it sounds selfish, but please remind me that I matter.

posted by Peter at 11:55 am  

Saturday, November 25, 2006

A new obsession

Too often over the last few months, I’ve found myself obsessing over someone. Not in the sense of “oh god, I wish I could be with them”, even though they have invariably been women, but in the sense of “wow, they’re so amazing, I need to remain friends with them”. I meet these people and then get it in my head that, unless I remain close personal friends with them, I am somehow less of a good person. Well, I intend for that to change as of now. Whenever, I get the urge to obsess over someone, I’m going to direct my obsessions to Drew Barrymore.

Seriously, why not? She’s pretty, funny, got a great smile, and would totally date me if she knew me. I can cook up elaborate fantasies about me and her and never have it be awkward, since the probability that I will ever actually meet her is about 0. No harm done. Easy as pie.

But yeah, that’s my goal. Last night, as I was mulling this over in my head, it seemed to work out so well. A lot of clouds were lifted from my head and things seemed fairly easy to deal with now. My hope is that I can perpetuate this feeling and not have to worry about future obsessions… hopefully.

posted by Peter at 1:02 pm  

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Twenty-four scary hours

This morning, I woke up, and for the first time in a week, I didn’t cough until I was nearly choking. It was a good way to end what had to be one of the more harrowing days of my life. Funny that the simple act of coughing a lot can make you fear for your life, question your existence, and just make you want to crawl in a hole and die.

Yesterday morning I awoke to yet another of my coughing spasms. Again, I feared for my life. Perhaps I was being overdramatic, but I had never had such a coughing spasm before this past week, when I’ve had several of them. I called my doctor and tried to get in to visit, but they were totally booked. They did, however, order a chest X-ray for me, which I promptly went up and had done. They’re pretty painless these days: you throw on a robe, and you literally hug a bulky machine for one angle and hang from a bar for another angle. All in all, it took about a minute – most of my time was spent in the waiting room and trying to find the check-in counter at Evanston Hospital.

I spent the afternoon at home, playing World of Warcraft and not napping, because I knew if I laid down again, it would just bring on another spasm. The doctor’s office said they would try to get me in that afternoon, but they never called back, leaving me hanging on my fate. I trudged through a little WoW that evening, fearing the fact that I would eventually have to go to sleep. I was also becoming more and more depressed, sending messages to my friends about how sick and unhappy I was, and generally feeling completely alone. My parents were available at least, so I was able to speak to them several times during the day. Mom, being the ex-nurse, had good advice on how to deal with my coughs and such.

Inevitably, however, 11 PM came. I sat up and finished a book I was reading, then reluctantly laid down to sleep at about midnight. Not 5 minutes later, I had a return of a cough spasm, leaving me wheezing and bug-eyed. It passed, but I was left feeling spent and scared. I called my parents to tell them about it, and my mom urged me to drive to the emergency room. I was reluctant to do so, but I did. You think of an ER as a place to go when you’re having a heart attack or you’ve been shot, but my own health problems were obviously such that they needed to be tended to right away, not after a night of sleeping and a likely replay of the coughing fit.

The ER was pretty quiet for most of the night. I arrived at about 12:15, where I was checked out by a nurse and then sent to a room at about 1:00, where I waited… and waited… and waited. Turns out they were short-staffed that night, with only one doctor on site. I could hear babies crying, saw a person on a gurney outside my room with an IV, and realized there were several people who needed help too. Since I wasn’t dying, I assumed that meant I would have to wait… and wait I did. Finally someone came in at about 2 am to give me a cursory checkup, asked me about my symptoms and such, then left again. More waiting. Finally, a nurse came in with a breathing apparatus that had me breathe in some sort of atomized medication – I assume it was steroids or something of the sort. That felt like it helped to a small extent, but when the doctor finally came in, I told him I didn’t quite feel it yet. He assured me it would help with the cough and such, so I acquiesced and hoped for the best. They gave me some pills of a steroid and an inhaler – first time in my life that I’ve had one. I went home, propped up my head on some pillows so as not to lie flat, and went to sleep.

Like I said, I woke up this morning and didn’t have a coughing fit – in fact, I’m starting to feel the phlegm go away. It was a terrible, awful day – I was coughing a lot, I felt completely alone. Today is another day. I still live alone, but hopefully I will be in better spirits.

posted by Peter at 12:24 pm  

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