The Lutheran Geek

The life and times of a WoW-playing, Java-programming dude in Chicago

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Going on vacation

So I’m leaving for a while for my parents’ place starting Friday 6/29 – I’ll be back in Chicago around on July 8. One thing I am going to try to do while gone is get my mind back in order. I have been spiraling pretty quickly down into a pseudo-depression yet again, and I’ve been lashing out at friends along the way, people who have gone out of their way to help me and listen to me. At least a few friends this past week have told me they’re fed up with it. The more tightly I cling, the more desperate I become, and it’s just getting worse. My greatest fear is losing friends – I just haven’t had much luck in keeping them because of my extreme self-consciousness. Every little thing – every well-meaning ribbing, misspoken word, everything negative becomes amplified. Everything positive becomes diminished. It’s worse than seeing the world in purely black and white with no shades of grey – eventually you only see black.

It’s even gotten to the point where it’s affecting my work – nothing I do there seems to matter, and these roller-coaster rides of emotion I’ve been on are getting worse and worse. What’s even more terrible is comparing my own situation with those around me – what the hell do I even have to complain about? I have a great job, loving parents, awesome friends. How dare I complain?

And yet, I do. It’s a tough spot to be in. So anyway, to those I’ve hurt (I’m talking especially to you, Muzz/Dave), I apologize. You guys, my friends, have given a lot of yourself that I cannot repay. Maybe I’ll find my way back to sanity, maybe I won’t. Please be assured that I’m trying, though. Also know that I’m not blaming anyone for the state I’m in – not even myself. It is what it is. I don’t expect pity or condolences or anything – I just wanted you guys to know where I am right now.

posted by Peter at 7:35 pm  

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