The Lutheran Geek

The life and times of a WoW-playing, Java-programming dude in Chicago

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Going on vacation

So I’m leaving for a while for my parents’ place starting Friday 6/29 – I’ll be back in Chicago around on July 8. One thing I am going to try to do while gone is get my mind back in order. I have been spiraling pretty quickly down into a pseudo-depression yet again, and I’ve been lashing out at friends along the way, people who have gone out of their way to help me and listen to me. At least a few friends this past week have told me they’re fed up with it. The more tightly I cling, the more desperate I become, and it’s just getting worse. My greatest fear is losing friends – I just haven’t had much luck in keeping them because of my extreme self-consciousness. Every little thing – every well-meaning ribbing, misspoken word, everything negative becomes amplified. Everything positive becomes diminished. It’s worse than seeing the world in purely black and white with no shades of grey – eventually you only see black.

It’s even gotten to the point where it’s affecting my work – nothing I do there seems to matter, and these roller-coaster rides of emotion I’ve been on are getting worse and worse. What’s even more terrible is comparing my own situation with those around me – what the hell do I even have to complain about? I have a great job, loving parents, awesome friends. How dare I complain?

And yet, I do. It’s a tough spot to be in. So anyway, to those I’ve hurt (I’m talking especially to you, Muzz/Dave), I apologize. You guys, my friends, have given a lot of yourself that I cannot repay. Maybe I’ll find my way back to sanity, maybe I won’t. Please be assured that I’m trying, though. Also know that I’m not blaming anyone for the state I’m in – not even myself. It is what it is. I don’t expect pity or condolences or anything – I just wanted you guys to know where I am right now.

posted by Peter at 7:35 pm  

2 Comments »

  1. Have fun.

    I can empathize with that second paragraph there, I asked myself that (a large power of 2) times growing up. “Why do I feel like shit so much when I’ve got everything everyone ever wanted? I’m smart, I have relatively good parents, some great friends, etc, etc. I even have a big dick! WTF!”

    I’m still not what you would call “happy”, but I’m certainly closer than I was even last year[1]. Most of it involved stopping the process of blaming myself for doing/not doing things in the past that were due to factors I couldn’t control, but didn’t realize it at the time (i.e. forgiving myself, if you prefer that language).

    (Previous to getting on medication, I couldn’t really control my behaviour in the long term, so I felt horribly guilty about a ton of stuff from my past — failing out of my first attempt at university, getting fired from a shitty job in high school. I still even felt guilty for breaking a ceramic figurine in a store when I was five or six by hitting it with a hula hoop I was playing with — my dad paid $2 for it, but I still felt guilty for it occasionally. Everyone keeps telling me that there is/should be some kind of blame there for my parent’s divorce, but I don’t really buy that — I’ve pretty much always blamed my mom for that.)

    And work…. where do you work? Most work (especially IT work) is utterly void of meaning. Even if your project is a massive success, you’re helping some company shave off 0.5% of their expenses or something insignificant. You have to enjoy the work, not look for meaning in it. (I work in a company that makes digital advertisement signs — talk about devoid of meaning. I write code to pollute your psychological environment!)

    [1] Thank you, psychopharmacology.

    Comment by Bloodaxe — June 25, 2007 @ 7:53 am

  2. Ahh, you’re a Java programmer. That would explain the void of feeling.

    Pick up a cool language like Erlang, Common Lisp or even Perl 6 on the side for fun. Then hit up Project Euler and start playing around. I’ve enjoyed my work a hundred fold since I started to write in other languages in my spare time.

    The link to the game I mentioned the other day. It’s so much cooler than Nethack it hurts. I’ve found a Hill Orc Berzerker to be the easiest to start with, although a Spriggan Transmuter was definitely the most fun.

    Comment by Bloodaxe — June 25, 2007 @ 8:12 am

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